Deck the halls with gaudy baubles
Pour the eggnog of good cheer
Now Roy Wood and Wizzard�s wish has come true
�Tis the season to be jolly � all year
Choirs of cherubic children sing carols
Red-nosed reindeer fly through the sky
The snow falls in great fluffy tidings of joy
Even though it�s the middle of July
Hark! Bing Crosby croons on � and on and on
Fa-la-la-la-la, ho-ho-ho, sleigh-bells jingle
Lo! Is that the last turkey on earth being killed?
No! It�s the daily Cliff Richard Christmas single
And it�s perpetual repeats of the endless Queen�s speech
And Santa�s so knackered he�s shrunk
But not so Tiny Tim � he ate all the mince pies
Now he�s �Crawling In The Air�, fat and drunk
And 12 Christopher Biggins� pantomime dames
Are dancing with elves at the foot of the bed
Swigging sherry and burning your presents
Shrieking �Ebeneezer Scrooge is dead!�
As Noddy Holder�s clarion call
Melts into Edvard Munch�s silent �Scream�
I suddenly wake and realise, yes -
(Cue violins, puppy dog and a bucket of syrupy marshmallow sentiment for
a desperately contrived happy ending)
Yes � everything�s grand in our winter wonderland
It was all just a horrible dream.

Written by Elvis McGonagall for BBC Radio 4's "Saturday Live" programme on Saturday, December 15th, in response to an item about the self-styled "Mr Christmas" who celebrates Christmas every day of the year.