Deck the halls with gaudy baubles
Pour the eggnog of good cheer
Now Roy Wood and Wizzard’s wish has come true
‘Tis the season to be jolly – all year
Choirs of cherubic children sing carols
Red-nosed reindeer fly through the sky
The snow falls in great fluffy tidings of joy
Even though it’s the middle of July
Hark! Bing Crosby croons on – and on and on
Fa-la-la-la-la, ho-ho-ho, sleigh-bells jingle
Lo! Is that the last turkey on earth being killed?
No! It’s the daily Cliff Richard Christmas single
And it’s perpetual repeats of the endless Queen’s speech
And Santa’s so knackered he’s shrunk
But not so Tiny Tim – he ate all the mince pies
Now he’s “Crawling In The Air”, fat and drunk
And 12 Christopher Biggins’ pantomime dames
Are dancing with elves at the foot of the bed
Swigging sherry and burning your presents
Shrieking “Ebeneezer Scrooge is dead!”
As Noddy Holder’s clarion call
Melts into Edvard Munch’s silent “Scream”
I suddenly wake and realise, yes -
(Cue violins, puppy dog and a bucket of syrupy marshmallow sentiment for
a desperately contrived happy ending)
Yes – everything’s grand in our winter wonderland
It was all just a horrible dream.

Written by Elvis McGonagall for BBC Radio 4's "Saturday Live" programme on Saturday, December 15th, in response to an item about the self-styled "Mr Christmas" who celebrates Christmas every day of the year.