Christmas morning down the pub
Getting drunk and perky
While the missus stays at home
Trying to cook the turkey
Got thrown out at closing time
Head in need of aspirin
Got home for my Christmas lunch
Found it in the dustbin
(To the tune of Jingle Bells)
Turkey roast, Christmas pud
Chocolate and dates
Carrots, stuffing, spuds and peas
All piled up on the plates
Try some cake, fruit and nuts
Have a drink of beer
Eat another mince pie
Or we'll stuff it in your ear
(To the tune of Deck The Halls)
Can't believe the Smith's are calling
Coming 'round for tea on Christmas day
Their behaviour's quite appalling
You should see the booze they put away
He's obnoxious, she's a loudmouth
Kids run screaming 'round the floor
They're a most disgusting family
God, I really hate my brother-in-law
(To the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)
Oh isn't this a lovely gift
My sister gave to me
A pair of socks from Marks and Sparks
For one pound eighty three
A balaclava from my mum
To keep my earholes warm
But the one thing I'd like to know
Like to know
Who sent these condoms tied up with a bow?
